I refuse to believe in loss.
Sometimes things happen that mean that we feel a hole inside of us – that feeling can range from a small sadness to a huge gaping hole that feels like a piece of our insides have been torn out. It might be caused by something simple like breaking something that was precious to us. It might be more serious like a friendship that ends, or when someone we love dies. However, none of those things is a total loss.
Let’s start with the most basic one. You have a really nice toy which you break, or a favourite possession that you can’t find. It makes you feel really sad and sometimes a bit cross with yourself. As a parent, when something like that happened to you I had to try very hard not to step in and try to replace it. There were probably times when you wonder why I didn’t step in and make it right. I could easily have done that, but I feel that the lesson is more important than the possession. I must admit it has been really hard because it breaks my heart as a mother to see you sad – and sometimes I have given in and replaced things. However, if you never lose anything and objects are just replaceable you will never understand the value of them and learn to take care of things. Losing things teaches us to value the things that we have.
If a relationship or friendship ends badly it will hurt for a while, maybe even for a long time, but you will learn valuable lessons about why it ended. After time, if you have forgiveness in your heart (more about that in another post), you will be able to remember the good times and the positive things that the person gave to you – because let’s face it there must have been some or you wouldn’t have been friends in the first place. Every person we know brings a gift of some sort into our lives – it might be friendship or it might be by showing us the sort of person we don’t want to be.
When a friendship ends or someone we love dies, nothing can take away the memories that you had with that person or the lessons that they taught you. Nothing can erase the person, it is just that there are not physically there any more. That person has shaped you, has been part of your personal story and so will always be a little part of you. Just make sure they have shaped you for the better.
When someone dies it is one of the hardest things you will have to face. Try to smile about the good times and it will help you cope with the pain a bit better. It won’t take it away but it will help. Think about the lessons that the person taught you and make sure they add value to your life. Every time that you do that it means that you have made that person’s life a little bit more meaningful. That’s a far better memorial than leaving flowers on someone’s grave – although you can always do that too if it helps.
So you see, it comforts me to think of loss as purely being an illusion. If you think of it like that it smooths the edges of the pain and turns the sadness into gratitude. It really does help. Give it a go.